A Very Special Episode
Welcome to a "special" installment of American Idol. Special, in this case, means you'll be delighted by its surprising existence on your DVR, and then further "delighted" by the fact that the recording is actually a football game.
So since your DVR let you down, let me fill you in on what you missed.
Dialectical DVR
"Somewhere near the Pacific Ocean, 10,000 hopefuls arrive, with a dream to change their lives, forever. What they don't know is that this audition is unlike any other," we are informed by intense subtitles.
What that means is that it's on a decommissioned aircraft carrier in San Diego.
Let's Be Naked
San Diego starts off skimpy, eliciting obligatory cat calls from the resident old perv, Steven Tyler. But even he couldn't find any redeeming value in the voice of "Jenny the sushi bar waitress."
We started off, according to Ryan, "with a bust."
Next up is a single mom who moonlights as a club dancer. They stuck with a theme. Her voice is much better, to say the least. She manages to keep control over a Whitney Houston song, rightfully netting her a ticket.
Next up is a drummer with no "B" plan, complete with convoluted logic to justify that. His voice is bubblegum Usher, so the judges eat it up.
Next Top Model
The next auditioner requires multiple takes to say she is on American Idol. This airhead apparent, Aubrey, introduces the timeless "Feeling Good" as a Michael Buble song, which goes a long way to explaining her previous inanity. She makes it through, reminding us that intelligence plays no part in the decisions.
Aubrey is followed by another mental giant, who starts off with a horrible rap and bottom-barrel ghetto moves. Luckily for Ali, who spells her name like the iconic boxer, but of course doesn't pronounce it that way, her mental acuity is not on trial, either. She goes through unanimously.
A frat boy is up next. Oh man, San Diego, you're killing me. Kyle continues San Diego's newest trend of pretty voices coming from empty heads.
AHHHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Joanne suffers from the first illustration of why it was a stupid idea to hold singing auditions on an aircraft carrier. THE NOISE!!! Constant ship blasts and airplanes zooming overhead.
Jim Carrey's kid is the next singer to audition, and ... YES, JIM CARREY'S FREAKING KID, whom J. Lo remembers as a little kid from her flygirl days. J. Lo, not the kid. Jane Carrey is nothing special, but she's JIM CARREY'S KID, so she's going through.
Our last contestant is Wolf Wolf. That's right. And he fires it up with CCR (Creedance Clearwater Revival, for you kids), which he performs competently, but underwhelmingly. He owns it with his follow-up song, a Johnny Cash staple, "Folsom Prison Blues," showing he has the pipes. And he makes a "Werewolves of London" reference on his way out to cap it. "I like him," Randy says. I like him, too. He's a refreshing change from the Bubles and Ushers and Pop Lite of the evening.
(I hope someone got what I did there with the last heading...)
Anyway, see you in Aspen!
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