Football comes in just below curling on the list of sports I'm interested in, which is why I tend to treat Super Bowl parties as a chance to get day-drunk in someone else's house and eat everything in sight. This could explain why I was under the impression that Miami hosted the game every year. Having learned only recently that this is not the case, I made it my business to look up the other cities where they've historically held the Super Bowl and, wow. The only thing less appealing than a whole day of live football is leaving the beer-soaked, pandemonium-ridden stadium to find yourself deposited into one of these cities.
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Jacksonville, FL
Besides winning the award for the most episodes of Cops shot on-site, Jacksonville boasts a terrible, humid subtropical climate, and what is probably the most depressing skyline outside of the former Soviet Union.
Phoenix, AZ
The desert's not too bad. The skyline's not too bad. Phoenix, overall, is not that bad. But it's not that good either. I think that's actually their motto.
Tampa Bay
As far as my understanding goes, all this town has going for it is Busch Gardens and a close-ish proximity to Cape Canaveral. When my family visited Busch Gardens I was seven years old, got a fever and puked in my dad's lap on a roller-coaster. Won't be visiting again!
Los Angeles
Why on earth would you ever have a major sporting event in a city where everybody has to drive? Do you really want half a stadium filled with disappointed drunk people taking to road behind tons of steel at the same time, all presumably heading to the same In-N-Out Burger? Also, smog.
St.Paul-Minneapolis
Sometimes I wonder which is worse: extreme heat or bitter cold. Then i think about what a college friend told me about the Twin Cities. "Some days are so cold that they'd close school. You'd have to wrap your face in Saran wrap to go outside." Seems like a very poor choice for a February athletic event.
Houston
Like Los Angeles, Houston is a city built around sprawling, knotted concrete expressways. While they get their due credit for the excellent brisket barbecue, Houston loses major points for being aesthetically unpleasant, having the lamest nightlife found in any major city and hosting a big statue of George H.W. Bush at their airport.
Detroit
It hardly seems fair to mock the misfortunes of what is certainly the most luckless city in America, but it's sure tough not to! A decaying husk of the bustling Motor City it once was, Detroit's high crime rate, abject poverty and decaying downtown area make it among the least desirable cities to visit for any reason.
New Orleans
It's had more than its fair share of struggles over the past several years, and while it's a fun place to spend a few days, the muggy weather, the endless tourist traps and the atmosphere of a 24-hour nonstop fraternity party is enough to make even the best crawfish etouffee unappealing.
San Diego
Boring nightlife, subpar restaurants and an overhyped zoo. San Diego is Los Angeles without the glamor, and San Francisco without the beauty and culture. Console yourself with the burritos. Those are excellent.
