One day you will wake up in a world owned entirely by the one known as Oprah Winfrey. You'll arise, climb out of bed, pull back the curtains and see Oprah's smiling face on the side of the bread truck as it drives past your house. When you look at the newspaper, there her face will be. "Oprah
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Still Extremely Rich!!", the headlines will blare. Her face will be on our money, your children's stupefyingly expensive college degrees will bear her signature, life as you know it will be forever changed.
I for one, will happily surrender to Oprah World's warm, doughy embrace. It will be a place of soft couches and muted lighting; of cinnamon buns and rainy days spent drinking lemon tea wrapped in a blanket while you watch Hitch on cable. But until then, the OWN Network, Oprah's next baby-step towards world domination is struggling a bit, programming-wise.
If you know anything about Oprah, you probably also know about Dr. Phil McGraw. An Oprah mainstay for more than 16 years (yikes!) Dr. Phil now has his own show, Dr. Phil. It's an hour-long syndicated talk show program, in which Phil, master of tough-love therapy, (delivered in a non-threatening Southern drawl), doles out his patented brand of straight-talk to people dealing with any number of issues from domestic violence to binge eating. Fun!
Rosie O'Donnell has also found a home on OWN. The Rosie Show airs there weeknights at 7 p.m. As anyone who remembers her from her Koosh-ball throwing days in daytime, Rosie shines in the talk-show format and, unlike a host whose name rhymes with Mimmy Gallon, is actually a pretty adept interviewer. Remember when she was best friends with Madonna? Those were good years.
One of the more subtle shows on OWN, Master Class is sort of Oprah's version of that thing that happens at camp, where someone who seemingly has it all opens up and Gets Real, sharing personal stories of triumph and tragedy. Instead of being in a dark cabin, though, it's on a sound stage and instead of hearing tales of woe from girls with braces from Massapequa, Long Island, it's real life lessons from people like Laird Hamilton.
For those viewers who are already in the loop on those shows, fear not; brand-new life-changing programming is on the horizon. For one thing, get ready to heave a sigh of relief. Your days of fretting over the fate of ex-duchess Sarah Ferguson are OVER! Finding Sarah follows our favorite ginger Black Sheep, as she traverses the long, bumpy road from "royalty to the real world." According to the show's website, she "seeks guidance from traditional and non-traditional experts -- a shaman, life coach, trainer and a horse whisperer." Well, alright. That pretty much covers it, I guess. As the saying goes,"what the shaman can't cure, the horse whisperer will fix." She's gonna be in great shape.
Didn't you ever wish that two perfect strangers would come to your hometown and make it their business to involve the entire community in an attempt to help eight single residents find their soul mates without ever going beyond town borders? Well, be prepared to turn green with envy because that is EXACTLY what is going to happen on Lovetown, USA. It's true. Two matchmakers, including the real-life "Hitch", (!!!) are going to march into a small, sleepy town and make a bunch of people fall in love, and we are all gonna get to watch. Thank you, Oprah!
Finally, have you ever wondered what happened to '80s supermodel Beverly Johnson? Nope? Me neither! That sure didn't stop the folks over at OWN from developing an entire series based on her strained relationship with her daughter. Beverly's Full House premieres in March, and, according to the show's website, it will chronicle Johnson's life as she "steps out of her role as glamorous fashion icon and opens her home to her daughter Anansa (a plus-size model), son-in-law David (a former NFL player), and their newborn baby Ava, in an effort to reconnect with her daughter and to help her growing family get ahead financially during a tough economy." Well, watching someone glamorous stop being glamorous and start being real actually sounds a little depressing. It's like the time I got sick on Splash Mountain at Disney World and my dad and I had to climb off the ride and go down the stairs, and walk through a weird backlot where all the damaged detritus from the old rides went. It sucked. But, I won't write Beverly and her show off too quickly. It could be mildly entertaining at worst and heartwarming and uplifting at best. Just like Oprah herself!
