Before we start dissecting Tuesday's show, I first have to apologize for a gaffe I made last night. In my recap, I said we had two hours of talent to look forward to tonight, because my DVR said it was recording from 8-10pm, and I just assumed both hours were new. But I was wrong, and the first hour was just a replay of Monday's show. You know, just in case you wanted to watch a 7-year-old kid cry again or listen to a 77-year-old man rap "What'cha Gonna Do?" on a Casio keyboard one more time.
So, what I'm Gonna Do is first point out that if you decided to watch "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars" instead of this repeat first hour, all you have to do is CLICK HERE to read the recap. Although I can't blame you if you actually tuned in to see the incredible jumping dogs or Horse get his nuts destroyed by his friends (seriously, how do you even approach someone for that? "Hey, man, this is going to sound weird, but I would really LOVE it if you'd hit me in the junk with a sledgehammer." Um, no thanks, friend.)
Howard's Parents and a Montage of No
So tonight, we continue the auditions from New York City, which of course, is Howard Stern's hometown. After a lengthy introduction to remind us what we watched in the last hour (and last night), we are treated to Howard Stern's parents in the audience. He makes fun of them for a minute, and they don't really seem to notice. They just smile. I guess having Howard Stern for a son will do that to you.
Ronald Charles and his really tight teal pants lead off the show. Maybe they're seafoam. Or aqua? He says he is a singer, dancer and performer, but on the screen, it says he's a retail sales clerk. Hmm. He doesn't last long, and Howie sums it up with: "You counted to seven, and then you really didn't do anything." Then Howard brings his dad up to tell poor Ronald that he does not, in fact, have any talent. He must be so confused having made it on the show.
If they let Howard's dad do this much commentary, we're only going to see like three acts tonight. Especially since they didn't even give him an aisle seat. He's like the guy in the back of the room who wins an Oscar. Or ... maybe we'll just montage the acts together!
We've got a roller-skating duo on old-school four-wheelers who ballroom dance for three seconds, some horrible mimes (aren't we supposed to know what they're miming?), a bad Rick Springfield wannabe with a pink guitar ("I didn't get to the second verse!"), a woman on a chair doing something that resembles lounge singing, an awkward brass quartet and a woman whose standup routine consists entirely of snorting. Welcome to Buzzville, population: All these acts! Thank goodness for montage! Apparently all the good performers tried out for the show on Day 1.
Or so they'd have us believe! Next up is comedian-ventriloquist John Pizzi. He says he's 49, but then the screen tells me he's 50, so I'm not sure who is lying. He's been on the road, entertaining, for 20 years, so he has to be good? Plus there's at least one example of successful ventriloquism on this show (Thank you Terry Fator!).
Mr. Pizzi unveils "The Truthinator," a TV screen that shows each judge's face. The mouths move, cardboard cutout style, and the eyes and eyebrows go crazy. Pizzi does the rest. He jokes aren't very funny, but the facial expressions on the Truthinator are quite comical. Actually, his jokes aren't funny at all. But you can't see his mouth move, so he's going to Vegas. There's some room for improvement, but he really has to up the quality of the material. He can't rely on the Truthinator gimmick to get him very far.
Donovan and Rebecca and their Cirque de Strongman "acro-balance" routine are up next. She's got the abs showing and his arms are on display, but apparently she's the strong one in the relationship (His words, not mine). And she does indeed do a good amount of the lifting. They're muscular, they're bendy, they're attractive, they're married, and that means a standing ovation! Sharon calls it a love scene from a sci-fi movie. Howard doesn't have a big enough "yes" for them. We'll see them in Vegas, but Sharon wants more dancing incorporated into the routine.
Time for another montage! Seven young girls dressed like the Genie in "I Dream of Jeannie," called Unity in Motion, are even bendier than the last couple. They do flips and twists and lifts that are pretty mind-boggling, and I worry that Donovan and Rebecca would've gotten a no had they performed after this group. One girl does a back bend and then twists her midsection around, so that her face and butt are literally facing the same direction. She looks like a pretzel. Sharon asks which girl did the "twisty thing" and asks if she's OK.
I guess this is the "yes" montage, as an all-girl rock band called Ivory Rose follows Unity in Motion to the next round. Drag queen All Beef Patty has a pink wig, an impressive voice and a ticket to Vegas, and Tom Cottor tells jokes that are actually funny ("I was a bad kid. I would sneak over to my neighbor's house late and night and jump up and down on their trampoline. That was their daughter's name, Arleen"). That has to be the end of the run, though, because more than four rapid-fire yeses in a row and the judges' heads explode.
Cottor has a sweet moment in his post-performance interview, saying it's the most humble moment of his life and that he could lose it.
Tentatively Dancing Around Head Explosions
Wait a minute, could we actually get another yes? Does a commercial break delay the head combustion? Dancer Tyreese Green, also known as Stepz, is the son of drug addicts raised by his grandmother in Paterson, New Jersey. His mom kicked him out over drugs when he was little, but she just recently got clean. There is way too much backstory for this 22-year-old kid to suck, so I'm expecting a truly inspiring moment. And after he starts, I'm wondering if this guy even has bones. He seemingly dislocates his entire body, including his neck in a move that resembles the scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger's fake bomb head malfunctions and opens up at the security checkpoint.
To a chorus of boos, Howard says Stepz is talented, but that no one would pay to see the act. Howie disagrees, calling Stepz' moves unique. It comes down to Sharon, who agrees with Howard but can't say no to a heart-warming story. She makes him sweat it out pretty excessively before sending him through, though.
No Good Headline to Describe the Savage Men
Time for the last act of the night, and just by sheer numbers, these guys have to be awful, right? This group of four juicehead, tattooed Jersey Shore wannabes, called the Savage Men, are lubing up with baby oil before their performance. I wish that summed it up, but then they take the stage ... in camo pants, Army boots and black wifebea, er, tank tops. Cue the techno house music. They don't move in unison, they don't lip sync the right words and they hump the ground. Again, not in unison. I'm not sure ground humping is an especially effective technique, but certainly not when done sporadically. They strip down to nothing but tiny little boy shorts and flex for the booing crowd. Though one attractive girl in the audience seems to enjoy it. And Robin Quivers. And one very strange guy with binoculars.
I don't know how pre-planned this was, because otherwise it's an odd choice for the last act, but Howard gets up on stage and strips down to his sleeveless T-shirt for a dance with the boys.
And just like that, the New York auditions are in the books. I don't know how many million-dollar acts came out of the Big Apple, but I think we'll be seeing more of the piano-playing kid and dog act from Monday, as well as the genie girls and comedy acts from tonight. Hell, if Horse can find a way to up the nut-cracking ante, he might have a future.
Who was your favorite? Who do you think could make a surprise run? Join us next week, when we're headed to Tampa for another round of auditions!