This is one of those weeks when you remember your mother's dire warning that television would "rot your brain," and think, "Gee, maybe she had a point." I'll delay that punishment and start with the movie news. But it's not much better.
The Next Stephen King Adaptation
In addition to a Carrie remake and a possible adaptation of The Dark Tower, King is also collaborating again with writer-director Tom Holland, this time on a film based on King's short story from Nightmares & Dreamscapes: The Ten O'Clock People. The film is being produced by the aptly named Making Ten O'Clock Productions and Holland's Dead Rabbit Films. The original story is about a man who uncovers a nightmarish underworld in his efforts to, um, quit smoking. Or something. Holland was responsible for two pretty classic '80s horror flicks: Child's Play and Fright Night, and his last feature was a King adaptation: Thinner. It would be nice to see him make a comeback.
Woody Allen is pretty secretive about his upcoming work, but he's announced the cast of his next one (after To Rome with Love, opening later this month). The as-yet untitled film, produced by Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, will star such A-list talent as Cate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin, and Sally Hawkins, and will be shot in San Francisco and New York. For some reason, irritating has-been Dice Clay and comic genius C.K. are also on board. By my lights, Allen hasn't made a decent film in 20 years, or a funny one in longer than that, but I think I would see pretty much anything Louis C.K. was involved with at this point.
Finally, the Police Academy Reboot Demanded By No One
Remember all those Police Academy movies from the '80s and '90s, several of which starred Steve Guttenberg? You say you don't? Lucky! In any case, New Line is rebooting, and recently hired director Scott Zabielski and screenwriter Jeremy Garelick. In case you're wondering what qualifies these men to tackle such an important project, Garelick worked on the Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Anniston movie, The Break-Up, which actually wasn't bad, and Zabielski has directed many episodes of Tosh.0, which is the worst thing ever. Maybe Daniel Tosh will take over the Guttenberg role? Oh, why do I think of these things? Now I'll have nightmares.
Honey Boo Boo's Triumphant Return
Oh, dear. Six-year-old Alana Thompson, made infamous along with her mother, "Coupon Queen", for her appearance on the controversial TLC reality show Toddlers & Tiaras, is getting her own spin-off series: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, premiering in August. I have never seen Toddlers & Tiaras, and take no small pride in that. I did watch a two-minute clip of Thompson and her mom on YouTube, and, well... I just hope someone (social services?) monitors young Boo Boo's caffeine intake.
Spike's Doomsday Reality Show
If that last story has you thinking it's the End of Days, perhaps you and your kin should sign on as contestants for Spike's new reality series, Last Family on Earth. The six-part series, which is scheduled to wrap in December, just in time for the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, is being produced by Craig Piligian (The Ultimate Fighter) and Pilgrim Studios. Families will compete in a series of survival-related challenges to earn a spot in a fortified bunker, just as the rest of us, presumably, get annihilated by whatever horrible thing ends the world as we know it. Honestly, at that point, I'm not even sure I'll care who won.
E! Tries to Make Us Care About PR Flacks
E! has a new boss, Bonnie Hammer, and they are shaking things up at the network with several new scripted series. According to Deadline, among them will be a series inspired by the experiences of aptly-named Hollywood PR guy Howard Bragman. Matthew Lieberman (In Plain Sight, Judging Amy) will write and co-executive-produce with Bragman. If they ever make a TV show loosely based on my life, I want to executive-produce the thing. This part now, with me writing this, is not going to make the cut, by the way. Sorry, readers! Maybe a car chase instead.
Are you looking forward to any of these? Which one sounds the most intriguing? Please let me know in the comments below.