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Bridezillas never ceases to amaze reality television viewers when it comes to love and matrimony, and season 9 will surely keep the legacy going. Tonight's premiere episode showcases Marlene, a loud, bossy and overbearing bride-to-be that can only be topped by her too-much-lipstick wearing sister and Shederyl, whose biggest goal besides spending the rest of her life with her favorite groom is to control everyone's carbohydrate intake but her own.
Long Island, New York delivers one hell of an opener as a priest asks the couple before him if they are ready to be wed. The groom requests a moment to speak with his bride. They sneak off to a secluded hallway, leaving hundreds of guests looking around with confused looks. "This is just a little payback," says the groom. Is this a joke?
Say hello to Marlene and Jose. Jose has been down this road once before, having met his new bride while already married. Could this be his one true love? Looks can be deceiving. Jose has expressed numerous times that he would rather not retrace his steps down that aisle.
Our journey with the two begin with cake tasting. Jose is tired of his voice not being heard and is determined to voice his opinion on what cake they should serve. "My opinion really didn't count as usually," he tells cameras. After trying to stay strong within the shop's walls, his efforts only reward him the silent treatment on their way home.
Taking a break from Jose, Marlena takes her sister Meldy shopping for her bridesmaid dress. The catch, though, is that Meldy is a fan of more revealing ensembles. In order to get her to shop at a prom dress infested wholesale outlet of a store, Marlena has to lie. It's no good. Dress after dress, Meldy only looks like a stuffed whale in sheep's clothing. Even the shop owner must express her thoughts: "It's the best we could do." Meldy really is a piece of work, with lipstick reaching two inches above her lip line. "Those lips," says the shop owner. "My God, that is a frightening human being." Wow, just wow.
Meldy isn't satisfied, still determined to find a dress more her speed. She knows just the right place ... A SEX SHOP! Everywhere she turns, Meldy is pointing out bras, spandex and strips that barely cover the most private of areas. Marlene makes a compromise with her sister. She can have the sparkles, but she has to cover up those breasts. She might even get a special toy out of the deal. Just imagine ... a XXX version of Miss Piggy, only 10 times worse.
Back to Jose: Marlene is ready to get the seating charts done. She's done every other bit of planning all on her own, leaving Jose to take care of the guests. There's one problem ... Jose failed to send out any invitations. Flying across the room goes the remote, and into the sink he sets his beer. It's time to take care of this right now or else!
The shenanigans don't end there, folks! Stacey is Marlene's friend of 16 years and also the makeup artist for the couple's wedding. Things take a turn for the worst, though, when the bride and groom are three hours late to Stacey and her husband's home for a meal and wedding chat. Her stank attitude soon finds Marlene without a makeup artist. Stacey's husband has baked a lava cake from scratch. Jose suggests that perhaps he should bake the official wedding cake. Why would they consider this, though? They're having an "official wedding, not a joke."
Looking for the ending to the Long Island wedding of the century? Better luck next week!
Now, turn your attention to two uniquely named individuals from Tennessee, Shederyl and Ponnie. They've been making their way to the altar for nine years, or so we think. They don't seem to be the best at mathematics. Shederyl can be summed up in three words: calorie control freak. At her bridal party, there are only a few simple rules to remember. There will be no eating at the reception and especially not in front of the bride-to-be. Basically, don't eat until you're told to. Lakesha and Shavonne learned this the hard way when at the nail shop a wrestling match ensues over a measly candy bar. The chocolate meets its untimely death by drowning.
Shederyl expects her bridesmaids to "put their lives on hold" and there is absolutely no eating in her presence. So when Sharea brings her dinner to a last minute meeting, the bride-to-be mutilates her friend's burger. Although, not even ten minutes later, the same burger is consumed by she who held the knife. More wrestling ensues. Once that's done -- thank god -- Shederyl attempts to fit into a disco ball of a reception dress. She has to lay on the floor and have two bridesmaids zip her up.
Lakesha agrees to meet with Shederyl, who orders half of the restaurant menu and then stands by her previous descriptive statement for her bridesmaid: "Fatty." A slew of commands follows the "lose weight" mumbo jumbo, but Lakesha has had enough. She's not doing it. So what does Shederyl do? She leaves. Class act.
"Married women don't dance in cages," says Shederyl, and there is a very good reason why. Climbing up into the club's cage, she breaks it. From there, she dances with a few random men, eats more than she ever planned on eating and throws up swiftly outside of the party van on the way out.
Shederyl is still insisting on eating, after everyone else has reminded her of her need to lose pounds. Stuffing herself in her wedding dress must squeeze out the common sense she has left because Shederyl manages to roam the hotel, looking for her own bridal party. "Where is the wedding?" Guests in the elevator have no idea, but thankfully she finds everyone on her own and marries Ponnie.
Next Sunday on Bridezillas, Marlene and Jose's saga continues. Will Jose continue to walk down the aisle after seeing the true colors of his bride or will he jump ship? Also, meet Bridezillas' most angry bride in quite some time.
Memorable Quotes:
"My opinion really didn't count as usual." -- Jose
"Are you kidding me right now? You're kidding me now, right?" -- Meldy
"Fatty" -- Shederyl
"Do you want a black eye?" -- Marlene
"We ate without you because you're, like, three hours late." -- Stacey
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