Welcome back to Southfork for TNT's reboot of the '80s soap opera in cowboy hats Dallas. In case you needed some convincing that this show is a deliciously twisted ride, the extended premiere includes double and triple crosses, fake emails, one of the characters nearly destroying a town with an earthquake and ruffies! Welcome back y'all.
It's Not A Dream
If the runaway success this season of ABC's Revenge has taught the networks anything, it's that audiences love evil rich people just as much as we did in the '80s. Making this the perfect time to bring back southern-tinged Dallas. What is happening in Southfork to draw us back into the Ewing fold? Well Bobby (Patrick Duffy) has cancer, but also Benjamin Button disease. Compared to returning Dallas regulars JR (Larry Hagman) and Sue Ellen (Linda Gray), Bobby appears to have aged in reverse. Frankly, I'm not sure what everyone is so worried about. We all know you can't kill Bobby Ewing. He'll just reappear in your shower a year later.
Dallas: The Next Generation
We're also introduced to Bobby's adopted son Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) and JR's wily offspring Jon Ross (Josh Henderson). Of the new generation, Jon Ross is by far the most interesting with his grimy soul patch and his need to prove he's superior to everyone. Plus if you think about it, his name is basically JR jr. which is hilariously ridiculous. By contrast, Christopher is our resident "nice guy" character, which means his role is mostly to be attractive when he's not decimating small villages in China with earthquakes. My bad, bro!
The One True Southfork
Why else are we back in Dallas with these schemers? Well, due to his cancer Bobby has decided to sell Southfork. Southfork is like the ring in The Lord of The Rings in that everyone immediately goes crazy around the eyes as soon as it's mentioned. My precious! In fact, the best scene of the two-parter might have been when JR miraculously popped out of his depression coma just at the thought of all that sweet, sweet land. (Also probably the scheming. He was literally dead inside without the scheming.) Jon Ross, meanwhile, just found a million trillion barrels of oil under Southfork, and thinks his uncle is being a real bummer not letting him drill.
What, you might be asking yourself, is a good soap opera without some ridiculous love triangles? I'm glad you asked because Dallas is happy to oblige. First there's Elena (Jordana Brewster), the daughter of the family maid who was once involved with Christopher and is now seeing Jon Ross. It turns out their original marriage plans were thrown off when Elena fled to mexico after getting an email from Chris breaking up with her. Harsh man! At least text her that she's not good enough for you. Except now it turns out that Christopher didn't write that email, and neither did Jon Ross if he's to be believed. So who did? Maybe it was Chris' new wife Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo) who seemed sweet (and boring) as punch until the show revealed she's been working the long con. Rest assured, the course of true love will not run smoothe in Southfork.
Will JR outsmart Jon Ross and win back Southfork? Will Bobby die of cancer and pop back up as a zombie in the shower? Will Sue Ellen run for governor? Sound off in the comments!
"I've got family business to attend to before anyone knows I'm dying."
-- Bobby to his doctor after learning he has cancer.
"Oil's in your blood; when did you turn your back on it?"
-- Elena to Chris after the oil rig is discovered.
"If Jon Ross wants to turn Southfork into a battlefield, I will give him the fight of his life."
-- Bobby to his lawyer about Jon Ross' injunction.
"The courts are for amateurs and the faint of heart. This is personal."
-- JR to Jon Ross about retaking Southfork.
"Blood may be thicker than water but oil is thicker than both."
-- JR to Jon Ross.