As the MTV Jersey Shore spin-off begins, Snooki and JWoww decide to get a roaring bachelorette pad in "the city," which is not New York like most normal people would assume, but Jersey City. But Snooki has a mysterious secret, which is only shocking if you never read tabloids, listen to celebrity gossip or watch late night talk shows. So by the time the show gets to the big pregnancy reveal, it's hard not to wonder why the editors didn't just get to the point instead of dragging it out.
Snooki and Jenni (Jwoww) open up the episode by explaining their decision to move out of their respective homes and into an apartment together. I've never seen people struggle harder to justify a decision. Why couldn't they just say, "We're moving out so MTV can do another Jersey Shore spin-off show and milk this cash cow as long as humanly possible?" Because that's exactly the reason this show exists. Instead, Snooki talks about moving out like all her friends her age and Jenni talks about how at 30 she'll explode or something, so it's time to live while she can. Roger and Snooki's parents wear identical expressions of disbelief, like the two just expressed a desire to move in together on the moon.
The Perfect Place
Then the episode quickly becomes House Hunters: Trashy Living Edition. It's everything I love best about the HGTV House Hunters franchise with a fraction of the class. To wit, Jenni almost pees on the stoop of one of their potential apartments. Do you think the realtor has a '"If you urinate on it, you buy it" policy? Good thing he doesn't have to find out, as he eventually makes it there in time. We do get to see the wonders of Snooki parallel parking her giant Hello Kitty truck. That truck looks like something Hello Kitty would design after a Jagerbomb bender.
So Victor the realtor, who has come all the way from 1986 to sell our intrepid heroines their new home, shows them place after place. Unfortunately, Victor only seems to be showing Snooki and Jwoww homes with roaches and toilets in the backyard. Hey, that one would be perfect for Jenni! We know she loves peeing in public! In one house, Snooki asks if someone was murdered there and is almost immediately killed by a door falling off the hinges. I think that ghost is the smartest person in this entire episode. Finally, Victor shows them a sweet converted firehouse, which MTV has undoubtedly already bought for them about five month prior to filming this. But the decision: Will the girls sign the lease on this building the network has clearly already picked out for them?
Man, I can't wait to find out.
Bun in the Oven
Before they can sign the lease on the new apartment, however, Snooki has to tell Jenni a big secret. I wonder what it could be! I bet it has nothing to do with babies, that's for sure! It turns out Snooki is pregnant and engaged to her boyfriend, which everyone already knows. The whole episode was an exercise in useless, misplaced tension. Everyone knows MTV planned a Snooki and Jwoww spin-off about them moving in together, so that's just what they would do. Everyone knew Snooki got knocked up, so clearly that was the big secret. If the show can't somehow get itself ahead of the tabloids in upcoming weeks, it'll feel like we've already seen all their "shocking" twists and turns.
What did you think of the premiere of Snooki and Jwoww? Did you laugh at the funny one-liners? Or are you tired of the Jersey Shore cast already? Sound off in the comments!
"See, I think kosher food is like organic, healthy food. But Jewish people eat organic food too, so I feel like it's all the same." -- Snooki about Jenni's food choices
"You would actually save a lot of money, if you think about it. I mean, I know a lot of Amish people do it. And they're rich, I feel; they have their own fricking companies." -- Snooki about using candles instead of lights
"I'm literally on the stairs like a homeless person." -- Jenni, outside the first apartment they want to view
"Victor the realtor is cute, but his blazer makes my eyeballs bleed. What vintage shop from the '80s did he get that from?" -- Jenni, about the realtor's outfit
"There could have been murders here you didn't know about, homicides ... those are the same things, aren't they?" -- Snooki to the relator