Everyone's favorite Big Balls are back! Wipeout premieres its sixth season Thursday with a second installment of hotties vs. nerds, and viewers around the nation are rejoicing over the return of one of television's greatest guilty pleasures.
Hosts John Henson, John Anderson and Vanessa Lachey are back as well, ready to guide us on the hilarious journey that is people getting hit by stuff and falling into water. And I'm not sure which is better, watching pretty girls who normally get whatever they want get hit by stuff, or watching awkward and unathletic nerds get hit by stuff. I can only hope I'll have the answer by the end of this show.
We've got an all new obstacle course this year (apparently designed by nerds, according to the promo), and we're breaking it in with 12 hotties and 12 nerds, only three of which will advance to the Wipeout Zone for a chance to win $50,000. It's the studious vs. the beauteous!
The Hilarity of Fandemonium
The qualifier course kicks off with the windmill-like Spinning Blades of Fandemonium, then the Big Balls, followed by the Poundabout. Finally, they'll finish up with a little Ghoul Trouble. The top six hotties and the top six nerds will move on to the next round, and we're ready to get started!
Nerd Andrew Hart is up first, and he is VERY excited. He's going after the coins! The gold coins! The silver coins! The American Coins!!! He can't stop staring at Vanessa's boobs, literally, and he says he's going to buy more coins if he wins the money. He fails at every single obstacle.
Hottie Amanda Gulyas leads things off for the girls. She is an unemployed former blackjack dealer who is really bad at math and got fired because she couldn't add up the cards, and she steps in the wrong spot and gets launched face first into the Big Balls.
Ari Grant is a 23-year-old video game and monkey enthusiast who makes primate noises to pump himself up before the course kicks his Dorky Kong butt.
Fandemonium and its new launching pads on either side of the blade catch nearly all of the contestants off guard, and it is responsible for some laugh-out-loud spills. The only one who successfully crossed just gets a lucky flipping launch to the other side, but still lands on her face. I love shows where you cannot keep your reactions in, even if you're watching by yourself.
Natalie DeWindt's friends call her Nasty Nat because she has been wearing the same pair of pants without washing them since 1996. That's 16 years ago, so I'm wondering how old this chick actually is. She gets whacked by the same bat four times in Ghoul Trouble before FINALLY falling into the water. And the amazing part is, I don't think she saw any of the hits coming, even though the bat's location didn't move.
Another young hottie, 22-year-old energy drink spokesmodel Trisha, plans to use the winnings to fill her body with implants, and a nerd asks Vanessa if she farted, because she blows him away. Can't make this stuff up, folks. He is "Virus Guy" Edsel Sinson, so named because of both his work as a research scientist and the reception he gets when he talks to women.
Whitney Cordray doesn't like hanging out with MC Hammer, because he doesn't let her touch anything. She's a big time "woo" girl and she used to be a nerd in high school before her hotness developed and turned her into a model. She also gets launched into the big balls in hilarious fashion. Seriously, if you're reading this, just go watch the show!
Larry is a newbie LARPer (Live Action Role Player) running the course in a wizard costume, but he ditches the beard and hat as soon as he gets wet for the first time. Then, LARPin' Larry nearly breaks himself in half on the big balls.
We montage our way through the rest of the first round, with a nerd who has blueprints to create a girl in his lab, a hottie who gets mistaken for Megan Fox all the time (but only from far away), brass-band geek Alec who is the only contestant to overcome Ghoul Trouble and another girl who hairsprayed her face to keep her makeup intact. Plumber's assistant and uber-hottie Melissa (who declares being on Wipeout to be her "pipe dream") quits after a major face plant on Fandemonium, despite hilarious motivation attempts from the hosts via megaphone.
Moving on to the second round are nerds Andrew, Ari, Mack, Jonathan, Edsel and Alec. Hotties are Trisha, Amanda, Nasty Nat, Shea, Whitney and Brynn.
Welcome to the Scareground
Next up is the Scareground, a new obstacle that involves traversing a bunch of spinning platforms and sweepers. The first six to finish, hottie or nerd, are moving on.
Implant Trisha is the first to make it through the course, followed by model ex-nerd woo-girl Whitney. Blackjack Amanda, Dorky Kong Ari, brass man Alec and Nasty Nat round out the top six. That's four hotties and two nerds, for those keeping score.
A Race Through the Petrified Forest
The brand new petrified forest is up next to cut the number of contestants in half again. After a zip-line ride, a trip through a sweeper-filled forest, a mud pit and a jump to the finish, it's on to the Wipeout Zone.
The hotties have trouble even making it across the zip line, and Alec comes up way short in his attempt to talk to any of them. He just mumbles and says half words, poor guy. Both nerds make it to the mud pit first, but neither can make the jump to the finish.
The, at one point, it's two hotties and Dorky Kong in the rocking mud pit, in what we can all agree is the greatest moment of Ari Grant's social life. Then Nasty Nat and the Modest Model join the party, and Ari doesn't even try to get out of the pit. Alec finally jumps in, and it's nerd heaven in the mud. Is everyone tied for first? Or last?
Dorky Kong doesn't like the company of another nerdy man, so he successfully makes the jump and is the first to move on to the final round. Model Whitney and Blackjack Amanda follow, while Alec just hangs in the mud pit with Trish and Nasty Nat as all three get covered in foam. Insert joke here. It looks like there won't be any implants or new pants coming out of this episode, but we've got two hotties and one nerd headed to the Wipeout Zone!
Launching Our Way to a Winner
The new Wipeout Zone kicks off with a terrifying launch from the Bombastic Blob, then it's on to the Swing Blades! After that comes the Torrential Twisters, followed by the Tectonic Planks and a jump to the finish and a chance at $50,000.
Model Whitney Cordray is up first. The Bombastic Blob involves the contestant sitting on a launching pad while a half-ton steel bar is dropped on it from 50 feet, flinging the contestant through the air. And it's no joke. Whitney launches 40 feet and lands squarely on her back. She makes it through the Swing Blades on her third try, but then struggles with the drenching rain and water blasts that accompany the Torrential Twisters. It takes three more tries to get past the obstacle, but she handles the Planks with ease to finish in 12:24.64.
Amanda Gulyas posted the fastest time in the qualifier and is next to tackle the Wipeout Zone. The Blob sends her flipping through the air before she completes the Swing Blades in three tries. After her first jump on the Twisters is in the opposite direction of the next platform (and thus into the water), she breezes through on her second attempt to take a sizable first-place lead. She falls on the Planks (and always does a great job of holding her nose before she hits the water), but nails her second attempt and finishes in 9:03.71. Model Whitney is sad.
Last up is Dorky Kong Ari Grant. Does he have what it takes? Will a nerd beat a hottie?? You might think that the lighter women would launch further than the heftier nerd, but you'd be wrong. Ari has time for a complete 360-degree flip and lands on his feet, but you know, still on water. Two tries each for the Blades and Twisters give him more than a minute lead heading into the Planks. Two attempts later and he's on the finish podium in 7:51.48, meaning we've got one wealthier nerd.
"Nerds rule, and always will in the Wipeout Zone," he screams from the podium. I'm glad he clarified the location, though, because it's probably one of the only places that statement is true. The classroom, too. And maybe in life, overall, but that's debatable.
So for the second year in a row, Hotties vs. Nerds ends with a nerd taking the top prize. John Henson laments how you gotta feel bad for the hotties, though, because beautiful women have such a rough time in this world. And as for the question I posed at the beginning of this recap, the answer is both. That's it for the premiere! Good night, and big balls.