The small screen's favorite lizard man this week is on the prowl, leading our "heroes" to shirts-optional gay bars, stolen police cars, hospitals and the truth (for now) about a supposed translation.
For someone so pretty, Jackson sure is one ugly Kanima. We open up with a Paranormal Activity-esque video diary from the night of the full moon. Jackson transforms, both hilariously and scarily, into the Kanima, a giant lizard man with a tail and a thousand teeth.
Cut to the present, where Derek does some flips chasing the Kanima near an industrial park or something. I hesitate to say Jackson because in the last episode we learned that there is another one, so yeah. Stiles and Scott follow, as Scott hops out to follow them.
Oh, look! A Kanima vs. Werewolf fight; I think that the fight is decently choreographed, but it is silly watching a standing giant wolf and lizard man go at it. Besides, I would much rather see the two fight as humans and nekkid. Color me shallow, but I watched Teen Wolf before I knew it was good. Anyways, the fight seems evenly matched until Chris Argent shoots the Kanima several times. Barely acknowledging the bullets, the Kanima continues to be crazy ugly and creepy, circling the arrived Grandfather Gerome. Scott fends one off for the Argents, as Grandfather Gerome watches.
Gay Bars and Stolen Cars
Let's clarify what the show is trying to tell us for one second: Jackson and the Kanima are not the same physical bodies. Well, obviously -- Jackson's an Abercrombie model and the Kanima is an uglier and lamer villain from the new Spider-Man film. But Jackson possibly succumbed to the venom because his human body is intolerant of the Kanima body. They are almost two separate entities. Cool?
The Kanima escapes to a local gay bar to go after ... my beloved Danny? No! On the plus side, this show is embracing its inner homoeroticism full force now. Honestly, having never been to a gay club, are guys shirtless all the time? Because I feel like Teen Wolf is trying to say something subtle here. It is not the kind of show that does subtle.
The dynamic duo split to save Danny. The Kanima is above the crowd, as its tail wags. Fake smoke clouds up the Kanima's location; the crowd loves the fake smoke. The Kanima lunges into the crowd, slicing a bunch of the dancers into paralysis. Can I just say that this is sending the strangest messages of homosexuality in 2012?
Danny is paralyzed as is his ex, which he is glad about. What if Jackson's just helping out his bro? What if the Kanima is Jackson's better half?
Stiles and Scott capture Jackson but not before running into Sheriff Stilinski again. Stiles manages to convince his papa of something normal before abusing his father's power as a law officer to steal a police van to imprison Jackson. Stiles impersonates Jackson through text to his father, but the father knows that Jackson, the damaged boy wonder, never says "I love you." Stiles -- rookie mistake to think that everyone's dad is as great as yours!
Flashback to the '90s (and Not in a Good Way)
Lydia is in the dark still. At home, alone, by the pool ... I wonder if she is going to have another creepy little episode, but this time with her itty bitty dog, Prada. The mood is genuinely creepy, but exploited poorly in favor for a scene with the therapy buddy Lydia hasn't befriended yet or ever.
Okay, I do not know why this scene is here, especially because he asks to kiss her out of nowhere. First of all, this kid's dialogue/personality is like he watched every '90s teen movie for lessons on how to flirt and act normal. To say he's awful at it is the understatement of the last century. Furthermore, he's dressed like he lives in the '90s. I say this as a huge fan of the late '90s.
Jerome the Jarring, Mommy Dearest
Jerome suspects more of the Kanima than anyone else. But instead of voicing those opinions and giving me some answers, he decides to pursue a lifelong ambition of creepiness with his family members.
Talking to Allison, Jerome puts a finger on Allison's pulse as a lie detector about what she knows. To further intimidate her, Jerome has installed cameras throughout the school.
His scariest act might have been to allow Mrs. Argent to act as a substitute teacher to Allison. I hope to goodness that woman is not Allison's real mom. She's overdramatic and psychotic, not what a teenage girl needs to look up to. I fear the worst for everyone.
Why Did They Have to Make It Icky?
Scott, Allison and Stiles are in the woods near enough to the parked stolen van with an imprisoned Jackson. They, like myself, are trying to sort out this nearly convoluted mystery. From what we know, the Kanima seeks a friend. The evidence to support this is that the Kanima never actually harmed the group, not exactly. One speculation is that the Kanima only goes after murderers (to which I refute silently and say that they all are since they kind of helped kill Aunt Kate).
Jackson, with his heightened abilities, can hear the others deliberating about him. Stiles is not Team Jackson, Allison is making a pained expression which must be her thinking cap and Scott is really for Team Jackson. It isn't his fault he is a monster!
Scott and Allison have their mandated feelings moment now in which Allison confesses she wants to spend forever with Scott (I point out that this is a show about werewolves, not vampires). Then the two "park" as Jackson fights turning into the Kanima. Why are they cross cutting something so ugly with something so beautiful? I mean, do I really need to see those two mack on one another when Jackson is shirtless? No.
While the two get hormonal, Jackson escapes (which wouldn't have happened had Stiles been on duty). Allison returns home to a waiting Lydia. Lyds just wants to have a girl chat. Instead, she makes use of that big head by translating some standard archaic Latin. The writers must be giddy that they made Lydia so smart because they can always write themselves out of a corner! So Lydia re-translates the text so that it reads (properly): The Kanima seeks a master, not a friend. Greater translation: Someone's controlling Jackson.
Speaking of which, guess who happened to escape to the police station? Guess whose father is a lawyer? Your favorite Kanima/lizard man on the small screen this week! Jackson Whitmore, boy lizard.