Spend all week trying to arrange rose petals in a heart shape to surprise your sweetie? Here's what you missed on TV.
A Future Clip-Show Staple
You know how there are certain Saturday Night Live clips that always show up, like Chris Farley making David Spade and Christina Applegate break in the first Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker sketch? In the midst of an otherwise lackluster episode, Taran Killam held host Justin Bieber hostage in the middle of a sketch about a guy meeting his new girlfriend's family. The gag wasn't much -- as the girlfriend's obnoxious brother, Killam kept mocking Bieber's character for a slip of the tongue that resulted in the non-word "glice" -- but Killam committed so fully, pressing his face directly against Bieber's and screaming in his ear, that it worked.
Preach On, Brother
I'm not gonna lie: Melissa McCarthy's new movie, Identity Thief, looks terrible and I don't want to see it, as much as I love her. But that's still no excuse for irrelevant Hollywood staple Rex Reed to have called McCarthy a "tractor-sized," "female hippo" in his review. On Today, Al Roker stood up for McCarthy and everyone else of generous proportions, quite rightly saying of Reed, "He's made a career of being small-minded and an idiot."
Welcome Back Laura Spencer
Half of perhaps the most famous soap-opera couple of all time, Luke and Laura Spencer, returned to General Hospital this week for a new story arc. However, in true soap opera fashion, it turned out that the endlessly-hyped return of Genie Francis as Laura on Monday consisted literally of one brief shot of her walking in on her ex-husband Luke (Anthony Geary) kissing another old fan favorite, Anna Devane (Finola Hughes).
A Hack For The Ages
Some as-yet-unidentified person managed to hack into the Emergency Alert System of KRTV in Great Falls, Montana on Monday, setting off the familiar system midday with a decidedly-creepy sounding voice message: "Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living." Apparently, several people called the local authorities to verify the claim. This will go down with the Captain Midnight and Max Headroom pirate attacks of the 1980s, though it does bring up the issue of poor computer security.
Must Be All The Wine
On Cougar Town -- which is as hilarious on TBS as it was on ABC -- a sleep-deprived Jules (Courteney Cox) is reluctant to try medication. And with good reason, it turns out Jules is a sleepwalker, whose hallucinations and bizarre dance steps end up annoying everyone else. Among other things, it was a reminder of something we knew from Cox's days on Friends, she's a particularly gifted physical comedian with little fear of looking utterly goofy.
Worst Player of All Time?
Survivor's new season is another Fans Vs. Favorites matchup, but with an odd definition of "favorites." (Ultra-creepy Brandon Hantz? Is he legitimately anyone's favorite?) One of the returning players was Francesca, whose sole claim to fame during her season was that she butted heads with "former special agent" Phillip and was kicked off first. Well, this season... she butted heads with Phillip and was kicked off first. At least she's consistent, I guess.
A New Valentine Classic
Modern Family outdid itself with a trio of self-contained Valentine stories: Claire's (Julie Bowen) newfound heart condition causes Phil (Ty Burrell) to worry about overexerting her, Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofia Vergara) keep getting interrupted the first time they try to have sex after Gloria gave birth, and Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) suffers from the aftereffects of a wild Valentine's Day party that resulted in a pink-dyed housecat and stolen Christmas decorations. This may have been the show's most consistently hilarious episodes ever.
Speaking of Hilarious
The little cop show that could, Southland, returned for its fifth season with Chad Michael Murray joining the cast as patrol officer Dave Mendoza, a new thorn in the side of series lead Ben Sherman (Ben McKenzie). Or rather, Chad Michael Murray and his enormous whisk-broom of a mustache have joined the cast. Anyone who first thinks of Murray in the guise of snobby teen Tristan DuGrey on Gilmore Girls will have a hard time looking at his new character without snickering a bit. Although based on his introduction, that's part of the point. The show could use a little more comic relief anyway.
Living Up To Its Reputation
In Entertainment Weekly last week, columnist Mark Harris wrote hilariously of his addiction to Scandal, rightfully pointing out that it's easily the most completely over the top show on TV. As if to prove him right, this week's episode included David Rosen (Joshua Malina) being framed for the murder of a call girl and a newly off-the-wagon President Fitz (Tony Goldwyn) having sex with estranged ex-lover Olivia (Kerry Washington) in the White House after a failed SEAL Team action in Cyprus. You just never know where this show is going next.
That's Really Not Cool
On Valentine's Day, Good Morning America televised the live proposal of Brian Bondy to Melissa Cohn in the middle of Times Square. Okay, a little cheesy but kind of sweet, right? But then came the surprise: they were getting married live, on the air, in less than an hour. Which makes for an amusing ratings stunt and all, but it kind of makes you wonder if it's the happily ever after the bride wanted. We didn't even have a particularly lavish wedding or anything, but I think my wife would have been disappointed to learn that all of the planning and scheduling aspects had happened without her knowledge and participation. It just seems kind of selfish to me.